When will my baby sleep through the night?!?!
I have been doing Holistic Sleep Support for a few years now. I will be honest sometimes the results are mixed. Why does it seem to work for some people and not for others? For ones that don’t see an improvement I have some reasons why that might be: -
1. You don’t want to change what you are doing.
There is usually a multitude of reasons why your sleep routine (or lack thereof) is the way it is. You have almost certainly done the best you can to make it work for your particular circumstances. Maybe you are shift workers so sticking to the same routines are not possible or maybe you have no support and are doing the best you can with the resources you have. Ultimately you will not have chosen the most exhausting way to help your baby to sleep - you will have done everything you can to make it as easy on yourself as possible. If it is not working for you, a gentle sleep coach will ask you to make changes to what and how you are doing something and initially that is going to take more energy and time (which perhaps you do not have). This is why I often focus on parental health or wellbeing first before looking at your baby’s. For some people they just can’t allow themselves to prioritise their own wellbeing, despite it ultimately benefitting the whole family. Perhaps this is because they don’t believe that it will really make a difference or maybe they believe we should be changing what their baby does and not looking at what they do.
2. You are expecting big results too quickly.
With more traditional sleep training that involves leaving your baby to cry in various guises, if your baby is a responder you might see quite dramatic differences in just a few days, however lots of parents instinctively feel this is not what they want to do. Holistic Sleep Support can also make noticeable changes quickly however often it takes much longer to really see the big changes happen. If you value doing things gently and want to establish positive changes in the long term then you can’t expect huge changes overnight - however much you might wish for them. I once had someone who when I asked how their week had gone and if sleep was any better she said no nothing had changed but when I looked at her sleep diary wake ups had changed from every 45/60 minutes to 2-3 times a night and naps had fallen into a consistent pattern. She was so focused on getting 8 hours uninterrupted sleep that she hadn’t noticed that already there had been a pretty big change.
3. Your baby’s sleep is not actually the problem - its the scapegoat
I will be honest, being sleep deprived sucks - its the worst! It can make the happiest, easy-going person feel anxious and emotional. However sometimes the lack of sleep is really just the thing that is easiest to blame. If you are actually struggling with birth trauma or feeling unsupported in your relationship or have postnatal anxiety or depression, then sleep training will not actually make the difference you are hoping for. It can help and you may be in a better place to tackle the other issues but sometimes its easier to blame your baby disrupting your sleep than it is to face up to doing the hard work that needs to happen for the bigger problems to be addressed. Sometimes when supporting someone it has been clear that what they would really benefit from is my 3 Step Process for Birth Trauma or some sessions with a counsellor.
4. Deep down, you don’t actually believe that gentle sleep methods will work.
Somewhere in the back of the mind, you believe those voices who have said you need to leave your baby to soothe themselves to sleep. You believe you have caused the problem, you have made a rod for your own back and you need to leave your baby to cry and that is the only way they will learn to sleep independently. You don’t want to do it but you think you have to and really you want someone to make you feel ok about doing it. I get it! Those voices are loud and opinions about the “right way” to do things are endless. A Holistic Sleep Coach is not going to tell you “go ahead, leave your baby to cry and don’t respond to their needs”. That is not what we do. But we can help you leave some of that guilt about how you have been supporting your baby behind and give you some alternatives that might work better for you going forward. However if you really don’t believe our suggestions will work and you want permission to do traditional sleep training- we can’t help you with that.
5. There is a medical reason that has not been fully addressed.
Sometimes there is a genuine physical or medical reason that your baby cannot sleep for longer stretches. No sleep training in the world will help if your baby feels like its on fire every time it is laid down on its back or if it can’t breathe properly through its nose or if its in pain somewhere in their body. It is sometimes hard to tell if our babies have a long term illness because we only know what’s normal for them. You may have previously been dismissed by an overworked health care professional or several. Listen to your instincts and get a second opinion. Feeding specialists are great at noticing when you might need a trip to the paediatrician. They can help you feel informed and confident when going to the GP and asking for that referral. But this is beyond the scope of a Holistic Sleep Coach (unless they are medically trained).
6. Your baby’s environment and routine is not conducive to good sleep health.
Maybe their cot was very expensive and meets all the safety requirements but its not snuggly and warm and comfortable. Maybe it is too quiet or too loud in the room. Maybe you have other children who are not able to reduce their volume. Sometimes we have to accept that the environment isn’t helping and change it (“but we spent so much on the cot” “I don’t want to move the room around” “ I want my children to share a room”). Sometimes your life doesn’t give good opportunities for naps. Pick your battles and decide what you are willing to change and what you can let go of in order to see improvements.
7. Its your excuse to opt out and it’s easier to say “I can’t because of sleep” rather than “No I don’t want to do that”.
Adulting is hard, parenting is hard! We may have had ideas of the sort of parent we were going to be before our little ones came along. Maybe all of your friends are doing all of the groups and actually you just want to stay at home. Maybe your partner is keen for some time alone with you and you actually are not ready to leave your baby yet. Maybe you don’t want to chase that big promotion anymore - you would rather save your energy. We are conditioned from a young age to not say “no”. Having challenges around sleep are usually not something anyone wants but sometimes they can give you a boundary that you might otherwise struggle to uphold. Be honest with yourself, is your babies sleep providing a wanted boundary?
So how about the ones that do see changes and feel benefits? There are some common themes too.
Trust between parents and their Holistic Sleep Coach. Building a relationship so you know they understand your individual circumstances and have your best interests at heart.
You need to be proactive and committed to following the suggested steps in your personalised plan. Ultimately we cannot make the changes for you - it is down to you.
Be willing to face up to some of your feelings and unhelpful beliefs. Most of the time it's more about working on ourselves that on our babies.
Really believe that your little one is capable of finding a different way to sleep. We can be very attached to the narratives we create - are you ready to change the story you have been telling yourself about your little one’s sleep?
If you are ready to make changes to your family’s sleep and want to do so whilst maximising your bond and connection then you can book your personalised Holistic Sleep Support Sessions with me here