Pregnancy Diary Week 24: Massive Pants

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Week 24

Absolutely massive pants have completely saved me this week. Last week I was pretty much crippled with pelvic girdle pain, which arrived a few weeks ago just as my sickness stopped, and so felt like a double kick between the legs. I was pretty pissed off, trust me. Having been to a wedding at the weekend, it was of course compulsory to wear support underwear roughly the size of Ireland: dress that I won’t wear to any other occasion, check; incredibly tiny bag capable of fitting only a fraction of my possessions in, check; matching jewellery also unlikely to be worn again, check; uncomfortable shoes, check; absolutely massive knickers, check. I managed to find some beauties in my draw, which I purchased exclusively for weddings, and which just about still fit. They cinched in my expanding hips and thighs and smoothed out my muffin top, which now has an additional sideways muffin top of its own (i.e., my lovely pregnancy bump!). I was surprised and delighted with the results. Said pants enabled me to wear a reasonably figure hugging maxi dress, which definitely showed off my curves but did so in a way that made me feel happy and confident with my new and changing figure. However, that’s not the best part. Since wearing these completely enormous and evidently rather supportive knickers, I have not had one jot of pelvic girdle pain. This is despite dancing until 2am on Saturday night (it was a good wedding!). This is a bloody miracle and I am completely elated by the transformation in how I feel. I am a scientist and so I acknowledge that correlation is not causation, but it seems completely logical that these black, lacy little beauties (OK, OK, they were beige, not so lacy and definitely not beauties) are responsible. However, as is inevitable after most nights out, I was pretty excited to take off my pants at the end of the evening. No, no, not in that way. Not at the moment. They weren’t completely uncomfortable but they were maybe a little tighter than ideal and certainly did not compare to my usual maternity jeans, which I now live in as they feel like a wonderful, soft, duvet hug every time I put them on (H&M, £30, super-sized, two pairs bought, job done). So this leaves me with a dilemma — do I now wear massive support pants all the time? They were great in lots of ways but I’m not sure I can cope with them every day. I, as much as the next person, love bucks fizz and chocolate coins with breakfast, mini sausages in bacon, vats of bread sauce, and double helpings of mince pies with whipped cream and brandy butter, but I wouldn’t want them every day. They make you feel good at the time, but afterwards you’re left with indigestion and a few extra misshapen wobbly bits that may take a while to shift. So I don’t wish it was Christmas every day (sorry Wizard), and I am also somewhat reluctant to integrate support knickers into my daily wardrobe. They have their place, but it’s now the end of May, it’s getting hot, they just about fit still (and definitely won’t for much longer), and I am frankly exhausted by the thought of squeezing my arse in and out of them in an epic battle every time I need to pee (which is pretty much every half an hour). This is not an option. But neither is bastard pelvic girdle pain. So, I have invested in a maternity support belt, which I have been testing out. The box said: “Medical grade support belt. Large.” Go large or go home, I say (I am currently a size14/16 and counting so I’m not messing about with any of this Medium business; who am I trying to kid?!). The description sounds super sexy and when I take it out of the box, the belt does not disappoint. However, it feels remarkably comfortable on. It has an adjustable panel to grow with you through pregnancy (good job too), curved support around the bump, medical grade elastic, and is easy to put on and take off, unlike my Bridget Jones wedding pants. It is recommended that you wear a belt like this during the day, especially on an active day or when going for a walk, but not at night. I am on board with all of this and so far this bad boy has been working wonders and is clearly the way forward for me. So long support pants and thank you for all you have done [waves fondly and looks off into the distance nostalgically]. And see you later pelvic girdle pain, you massive pain in the arse [gives slightly less polite hand gesture and accompanying angry look].